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The Journey to my Vocation Part-II

Opinion | Articles | Benjamin Chang | 31-Jul-2024

The Journey to my Vocation Part-II

In my previous post, I had written about My Vocation as Part I and I am so overwhelmed by the response and request for ‘My Vocation Part II.’ I ended with a note that I was given a break and with all the limited resources, I landed up in Delhi… Though men are free to reject God’s call, I believe that some people, like the prophet Jeremiah, is marked by his calling from his mother’s womb. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations” (Jer. 1:5). Some people call me St. Augustine, some Jonah the prophet and some the Prodigal Son. Whatever it may be, I can’t deny that there is some element of returning back to the Lord…

After breaking up from the life of seminary in 2004, I had the freedom to be in the world. I chose Delhi because, I wanted to be far away from my problems. But then I realized that even greater hardship was waiting for me. I stayed at Gandhi Vihar, North Delhi with my cousin for few months. It was already October and I was late for my university studies. I decided to do some work. I went through the newspaper ‘Times of India’ for job vacancies. I picked up some selected addresses and went around the city without knowing anything. Some companies rejected me for not having any work experience. Many companies that published job vacancies were reputed ones and they needed someone smarter than me. With each passing day I became desperate, dejected and I started developing low self-image. My money was getting over and I needed a job very badly. It is only at this point of time that I turned to the Lord again. It’s been more than one month and I have avoided going to the Church. One fine Sunday, I decided to go the Church. I inquired from my neighbours about the Catholic Church and they told me that the nearest Church is St. Xavier’s Church at Civil lines.

I went for the Mass early that morning. After the service, I was very happy to meet some Jesuit Brothers from Kohima Region who were pursuing Theological studies at Vidya Joyti Theological College. I also met Francis Pamei who studied with us at Good Shepherd Seminary for some months. While going back home, I told him my problem of not being able to get any job. He told me that he is working as a cashier in a Chinese restaurant and he was planning to quit the job very soon. He offered me to work in his place and at that moment I got so delighted and thanked him profusely. I replaced him the next day. I had no work experience and was offered only Rs. 3000 per month. I had to travel from Gandhi Vihar to Kumla Nagar every day. Sometimes I used to walk miles in order to save some money. My money got over and I had no courage to ask money from home because I had told my dad that I will manage without his help. After few weeks, sadness overshadowed me. I was not at all happy with my life. It was the lowest point of my life and I felt that it is not worth living here on this earth. I was like a fish out of the water. I was on the verge of a breakdown. I felt lonely, depressed, lost and worthless. But my spiritual Father Augustine SJ, was so helpful in guiding me to pass through this tough phase of life.

One night at around 11 pm, while walking back from Kumla Nagar, I heard some people talking on the roof of a waiting shed at Delhi university area. They were a group of migrant rickshaw pullers who were getting ready to spend the night. I realized that they had no place to spend the night. They were homeless. As I walked further, I saw many of them, not just few but many of them were sleeping on their rickshaw amidst the flies and mosquitos. Every night as I walked pass by them, I felt so pity for them. Their struggles made me to pray for people who are struggling in this world. The people, I see struggling were just few compared to thousands who are dying every night without proper food, clothing and shelter. Their struggle also made me to turn to the Lord and be grateful, for I had good cloths to wear, food to eat and rented house to live in. I had a disturbing but a fresh look on my life. After a month, I shifted to Kumla Nagar to stay with Francis Pamei and Thuan Gangmei.

After working in Chinese restaurant for some months, I decided to go for a part time job so that I could do my studies. Mc Donalds offered me to work for six hours evening shift for Rs. 3000 per month. (Within three months, I got ‘Best Crew Member of the Month” award for my performance) In the morning, I went for three months computer course and in the evening I went for work. When the admission time arrived, I applied for MA Philosophy at Delhi University. There were so many applicants with high percentage. Nagaland University is very stringent in giving marks. Back home, we were only three of us who got first Division in the BA Philosophy Honours, but for Delhi University, compared to other applicants my marks were very low. We had a written entrance test and during the result my name was not in the cut-off list. I was not selected. My dream got shattered. From then onwards, I decided to work full time in BPO at least for a year again. Delhi was witnessing the BPO boom and this time, without any difficulty I got an opportunity to work with R-Tech System. Working at night till morning was tough. But I learned so many things and got adjusted to night life.

New Delhi is one of the fastest growing cities in the world and since I had the work experience, it had plenty of opportunities in store for me and I was ready to face the challenges of life. I was receptive to the city’s charms. I was able to establish myself in the world with a decent job and some friends. With my experience I was able to climb the latter very fast. In my second work place Silicon Biztech, I was performing so well as a senior executive. In performance wise, I was always pretty much on top. I got many opportunity to be a mentor to my friends who needed my help. The people in higher authority were good to me. I had so many friends who were good to me. We had lot of fun. I was happy for quite some time. But such happiness doesn’t last long, especially when it is centred on self. Though I didn’t have a lot of money, I could usually do as I pleased. But it wasn’t enough. I applied for the post of ‘Quality Analysis’ but was not selected. Something began to bother at the root of my self-centred life. The meaninglessness of it all began to haunt me. I had developed a rather self-serving mentality. I found myself in a job or life situation which is actually not meant for me. I was looking for something worth giving my whole self without any reservations.

God surprised me by pulling my heart once again. I began to realize that people can let you down, life can let you down, but God is always there. He does not betray, hurt, or lead people astray and you have to deal with Him sooner or later. I decided to attend a retreat at Divine Ashram, Faridabad. For us, it was a three days retreat organised by North East Catholic Community Of Delhi (NECCOD)). We had to pay Rs. 250 per day. I took one of my childhood friend James Ngaku Chang with me. From the beginning, he was emotionally into the retreat. But as for me, I have attended so many retreats and it was a normal spiritual exercise to be with God. One Saturday night, around ten thousand people gathered for the night vigil. Many of them had travelled all the way from Delhi. During the healing session, many people got healed. And when the confession time came, I stood in a queue for my turn and was busy preparing to confess my sins. The Priest, who was sitting in the confessional zone saw me, he called me and asked me to come forward. I went to him, knelt down and confessed all the possible sins I could remember. He gave me advice and absolution, which was a normal thing. During my penance, I was trying to figure out as to why the priest called me forward when there were so many people in front of me? How did he know my name? I thought, he must be a priest whom I have met before at Vidya Jyoti or Cathedral. And before the confession, he not only called my name “Benjamin Chang” but questioned me in a sad tone saying “why are you running away from the Lord.” I thought, he must be thinking that I was planning to go away without confessing my sins because the queue was so long. I remember his face so well. He was from south India. There was an inner urge to meet him again. But I didn’t see him that night after the confession. Early in the morning we went back to Delhi. I went to the Theological College during the Diaconate Ordination of Jesuit Brothers, but I didn’t see him. Whenever there was Church related public function in Delhi, I tried to find him out but I never saw him after that confession. The more I tried to find him, the more I started to think about that 20 minutes of my confession.

That retreat made me to open the Bible again, to start paying attention at church, and to entertain the thought of serving God again. I bought a prayer book and started praying in the morning and evening at home with my younger brother and my friend Impung Chang. With the support of Changsang Soted, Impung Chang, Jasmine Panger Walling and Khumpila Limi, we started a prayer cell called as ‘Munirka Prayer cell’. Sometimes we called it as ‘Munirka Fellowship.’ (Changsang Soted was our Fellowship Secretary and I am happy that today more than ten members of ‘Munirka Prayer Cell’ have become First Class Gazette Officers). It was during this period that I learned to pray spontaneously. I developed the love for Praise and Worship. I started going to Naga Christian Fellowship. I liked the sermons of Pastor Ricky Medom. At this point of time Protestant Evangelical and Baptist thinking influenced me more than the Catholic tradition. I also started taking active part in Neccod and Cathedral Parish. I became a cantor, an organist and eventually served NECCOD as finance secretary. (Sir. Tommy Monsang was the President of NECCOD) One fine afternoon, I got a call from Bishop Jose. It was a pleasant surprise for me. I have not talked to him for the past three years. I never called him because, I was afraid to talk to him. I was comfortable in sending only emails to him on regular basis. He told me that he is at Sacred Heart Cathedral, Delhi and would like to meet me. At that time, I had kept a long hair because when I walk around the city streets with short hair, some ignorant and illiterate people think that I am a Nepali and they call me by so many names, like chinki, bahadur, kancha, etc. But with long well-kept hair, I didn’t hear any flying names. (Delhi is heavily influenced by Punjabi and Haryanvi thoughts, and the influence varies from region to region. So one can encounter a wide range of people. We will certainly find open minded people, but we must learn to accommodate ourselves among all kinds of people. Often people from North East find it tough to adjust in Delhi.) Well, I trimmed my hair and went to meet my Bishop. As I was, so was he happy to see each other. Bishop Jose Mukala told that the Cathedral Parish priest had told him about me as a regular organist in the Cathedral. In my heart, I still had that little desire to become a priest and I positively responded to my Bishop when he enquired about my Vocation. My heart was willing but I was not ready to go back.

Life was easy and comfortable in Delhi. Those years, I was staying in Safdarjung Enclave with a very good friend of mine Robert H. Touthang. I was working with Global Vantage, later named as Aegis. It was an inbound and out bound debt collection process. I gave my mind, body and soul to collections and it hardly seemed like work because there was so much learning involved in the process. The passion for success within the peer group was an added morale booster. I was doing well. I always achieved my targets. The incentives were high, sometimes it was higher than my basic salary. I had so many good friends and we had lot of fun. Because of my high collection from DMC (Debt Management Company), my manager Vishal Jaikaria use to call me the King of DMC. I wanted to climb higher. But in 2008, there was an economic recession and BPO started to lose its lustre and I also began to feel I wasn't in the right place. I got stuck and I didn’t see an acceptable future growth in BPO. The more I earned the more I spent. I didn’t know how long I should keep on earning without doing anything worth. I felt that I am like a migrant who came to build my own future. The thought that I am not able to do anything worthy for my people started to haunt me.

Whenever I went to the Church, I always felt a call to priesthood. I've had this feeling inside that this is what God wants me to do. It's hard to rationalise, but it's something I can't deny. I wanted to make a difference by doing something really worthwhile that would last. I had a sense that it was only Christ that could unite all people in peace and love. In particular, it was an experience at AIIMS Hospital that helped me see the power of the priesthood. One of our Catechist wife from Kohima Cathedral, was suffering from cancer. They asked for the Sacrament of the Anointing of the sick. I called Fr. Raju, the Chaplain of NECCOD and went to the hospital. She was on her last stage, doctors said that she has just few days left. It was there that I experienced so clearly that a priest is "another Christ" and an enduring sign of God's love and presence. I was amazed at the response people give at times to the simple signs of our faith. When people reach out and touch the hands of a priest and cry with emotions, people see another Christ in a Priest. The Priest listen to the dying, share their lives, share their sorrow, and help them to overcome regrets and make peace with themselves and God. Within few weeks she got alright and went back to Nagaland and I am told that now she is still hale and hearty.

My early formation never left me, though I buried it under the pursuit of happiness. The little desire that I had to serve God kept me clean, pure and chaste for the past so many years. I am not a saint but a sinner. But as a sinner, I don’t remember committing any mortal sins. We had lot of social parties but I never kept a person to be called as my intimate lover. My heart was still reserved for God and I didn’t like the idea of getting involved in immoral acts. Be it person or God or work, I was always thinking for something worth giving my whole self without any reservations. I didn’t want my past life to haunt me in my future. Since I am clean before God, I had the courage to take a firm decision to be back to Nagaland. I made a choice. I was ready to sacrifice my life and embrace God with my whole self. For someone already heavily involved in a career, stepping out toward the priesthood that too at the prime time involved lot of sacrifice. When I gave my resignation letter to my Team Manager Nagendra Bisht, he asked me about my salary offered for joining priestly life. I told him, I will not get any salary but after six years of training I may get around Rs. 3000 as a monthly allowance. He was shocked and couldn’t believe me. He didn’t want to lose me from his team because I was one of the top performer. He couldn’t understand why I was renouncing the worldly things. Those days I had started to earn around 25k to 40k per month. Those who were working with me thought that I must be crazy or something might have struck me, but what to do I have already said firm ‘Yes’ to the Lord again. My Managers and friends wished me good luck and we promised to keep in touch. I assured them of my prayers. Whenever I shared about my desire to become a priest, my close friends were not hostile to the idea of me joining priestly life. They were very supportive and they often told me to discern it well.

For the last time, I went to the Sacred Heart Cathedral. I knelt beside the place where I used to play piano and prayed to God. Many times, I have watched the priests on the altar. There is a mysterious blessing that flows from the altar for every sacrifice offered by the Priest. Money cannot buy the divine grace. I experienced peace and joy that money couldn’t buy. I couldn’t doubt that God had called me and is always with me and that the priesthood is right for me. It was a moment that was all the Lord needed to begin filling my life. As it dawned on me that all this God stuff might be true after all, new worlds opened up. This time it was not the world of rebellion, but the world of peace and beauty, and the rediscovery of a profound mystery that was at last becoming real to me. I took years of seeking God and now, He became very real for me. I walked back the streets of Delhi, thinking and praying with joy. The city’s frenzied activity continued unabated, but I hardly noticed it. I felt like a lover in springtime. My life was beginning to acquire meaning, and it was quite exhilarating.

I was in the Delhi for six years, and those years were the best days of my life with so many ups and downs. Back in the Nagaland, I went to Bishop’s house with my best friends and met my Bishop and other fathers. I stayed at home for around two months and I was growing impatient. I wanted to join back at the earliest but I was not getting any calling letter. I went down to Kohima with my younger brother Chusang Mark and stayed at my friend’s house Andrew Ongli Chang. My Bishop appointed me to do Regency at Meluri with Fr. Mathew Keematham. The following morning, we got the news about the resignation of Bishop Jose due to his ill health. If not for Bishop Jose, I will be still in Delhi. God wanted me to be back and He brought me back at the right time...

Soon after my Regency, I was promoted to study Theology at Oriens Theological College. During my Theological studies, countless people have asked me as to why do I want to study Theology? Why do I want to become a Priest? My answers have ranged from the straightforward, “I want to change our society” to vague “I don’t know why God chose me.” Both are true. If we have an understanding of theology, we can far better implement and integrate our knowledge in our day today life with that of Christ. Theology illuminates all other academic endeavours. Like a candle in a dark room, it reveals the purpose of our life. I made a choice to be different. It was a choice to stand out from the crowd. It was a choice to follow my passion.

Our College which is affiliated to the Urbaniana University, Rome had around 150 students belonging to 22 Dioceses and 7 Religious Congregations. The Orients Theological College is the only Theological College for the whole Dioceses of North East India. All students were expected to have obtained a Bachelor’s Degree and a Philosophy degree. We were asked to present a copy of the Certificates of Baptism, Confirmation, and Marriage Certificate of Parents and other documents as proof for the official name, date of birth, and place of birth. The College offered Courses that are essential to obtain the degree of Bachelor of Theology (B. Th.). A course consist of lectures and other course works. All the assignments were submitted to the Office of the Head of the Department or to the Professor concerned on or before the date as decided by the Professor. All the courses were based on credit system. Regular attendance at lectures and group discussions were obligatory to gain credits. If a student is unable to attend a lecture(s) on a particular day for a good reason, we were expected to inform the Professor and the Head of the Department personally or, in special circumstances, through the Class Beadle.

I had a great experience at Oriens and learned a lot. I especially enjoyed the academic rigor, the wide array of theological seminars, guest lectures, theological conferences and the endless discussion and paper works. When reflecting on my own experiences, I think that there are many things to praise about. One of the things that is especially admirable at the Oriens is the excellent focus on learning the basics of theology, including the five major subjects of theology: Old Testament, New Testament, Church History, Systematic Theology and Moral Theology. A solid grounding in these subjects is an excellent preparation for the Priestly ministry. The College has a well-equipped Library. Cultural-Historical Documentation Centre. Religio-Cultural Museum and a Publication Centre.

Studying Theology allowed me to explore a lot of the details about my Catholic faith and approach some of the difficult issues of understanding that many Christians face today. In Systematic Theology there was a continual reflection on the truthfulness of theology as it is confirmed in the affections of the faithful, demonstrated through the internal and external coherence of the teachings, articulated in discourse with philosophy and the natural sciences and finally brought into application in the practical ministry of the church. Within this broad framework of Systematic Theology, one can rightly understand the Christian faith as a faith seeking understanding. As the Holy Spirit leads the churches in different contexts to Jesus Christ in witness to and in service of the world which the Father loves, all Christians are invited to contribute to this work of the ministry. To be effective servants, we need both the theological basics and the freedom of the Spirit: For freedom we are set free.

The theology department’s diverse and accomplished faculty exposed me to a variety of perspectives on important theological and Cultural ethical topics, and I still consider my professors from Oriens to be some of the best teachers and mentors that I have ever had. From my first year onwards, I became interested in the similarities between Christ culture and the Tribal cultures that formed our society. I find that much of the theological philosophy, anthropology and history that I was exposed to at Oriens has a tremendous amount of practical application for today’s Christians. God has been so active in our history and I want to be part of God's work in the present plan of redemption. In order to understand our own doctrinal positions and theological disputes, it is important to understand how we got here in the first place. For this, we need a strong grounding in the history of doctrine. In all of these contexts there was a strong emphasis on understanding the church in the world, the components of a good church service, the methods of pastoral theology, effective Christian education, the essence of a good sermon, counseling and the ministry of the church in its social work. I am happy with the opportunity that I got to learn about the beautiful truths of my faith.

My life is like a seed that God planted in a garden. It may take years for the seed to become a tree and it may take years for the tree to bear fruit. A good tree produces good fruit. A bad tree produces bad fruit. In the past God had planted so many good seeds in this world and He will continue to plant so many good trees to bear good fruits...

Thank You for reading… Please continue to pray for me… God Bless Us All…A

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