Articles

The Journey to my Vocation - Part I

Opinion | Articles | Benjamin Chang | 17-Jun-2024

While preparing for my Diaconate Ordination, I had ample time to recall about my vocation, my life... There is an inner urge to share something about my vocation with you all. I guess, it might help some people…

My vocation is like any vocation that began in the heart and mind of God long before I was born (Jer 1:4). But I took so many years to discern it and respond to His call...

I was born in 1982 at Longtang Village under Tuensang District. My parents were born to a pagan family but later, along with the other villagers, they got converted to Baptist Faith. My parents were always pretty active in the village Baptist Church. My father was a teacher at Govt School. He was also a Sunday school master for several years. My mother served her term as women secretary in the village Church. I am the second oldest of the seven brothers. When my elder brother attained the age of five, my father decided to send him to St. John’s School, Tuensang Town. In Tuensang, he was kept under the care of our relatives. After some years my father purchased a piece of land and my mother was sent to Tuensang to look after my elder brother. She took my younger brother with her, while I was left under the care of my grandmother.

At the age of four, I was also sent to Tuensang to be with my mom and to start my studies. My father got me admitted in Baptist English School, while my elder brother and my cousins were made to study at St. John’s. He told me that it was difficult to get admission at St. John’s. I wailed and whined greatly, for I strongly felt that I should go to St. John’s where the school had much better facilities. I told him that I will not go to other school if I am not sent to St. John’s. My father went to meet the principal again but the priest gave a negative response. He knew three families who had joined the Catholic Church in 1986. Through them, my father expressed his willingness to join the Catholic Church. He was asked to bring me to the Church the following Sunday. My parents always showed good example for me. My mom used to dress us up on Sundays and the whole family used to go to the Church together. But that faithful Sunday, my father helped me and my elder brother to dress up and in hurry took us to Catholic Church leaving my mother behind. She went to the Baptist Church without knowing anything about our visit to Catholic Church. As a small child the statue of Jesus, which is still standing tall on top of the Church attracted me so much. The out stretched arms of Jesus was so touching. We entered the Church and it was a love at first sight. I loved the ambience of the Church. The lights, flowers, the benches with pews, the altar, almost everything within and outside the Church were so attractive. But it was the live sizes crucifixion of Jesus that kept me wondering throughout the Holy Mass. I can’t remember getting bored and really didn’t understanding what was going on. I felt that the one hour Mass ended so fast because I was busy looking at what the priest was doing on the altar and the scene of someone being hung just above the priest head kept drawing my attention. I was trying to figure out whether the crucified person is real or not. (I have never seen any crucifix as real as that of St. Thomas Church, Tuensang) After the Mass they shook hands with the priest. The priest lifted me up, took me in his arms and asked some things to me and my elder brother. I liked his dress. I thought he is an angel or may be someone with magical powers. He spoke at length with my dad and other elders present there. When we reached home, my mother was at home. She was waiting to question my dad and was shocked to hear about our going to the Hindu Church (Those days the Catholic Church was called as the Hindu Church in our locality).

In the evening, the Parish Priest, Fr. Joseph along with some sisters came to visit our house. Fr. Joseph carried me on his lap the whole time and didn’t let me go away. I wasn’t afraid of him. It was so comfortable. They talked about so many things. They stayed in our house for about one hour. My mother got frightened and she wanted to go back to the village. My cousins prepared tea for all of us. And when they left, my mom and dad had a long but not so pleasant chat. The following day, three Catholic elders, late Peter Chingmak, late Mongko Abraham and Papa Simon came to our house and spoke to my mom. I remember them telling my mom to listen and obey my dad. She was relieved because she thought that we were the only family to join the Catholic Church. It all happened in December of 1987. That year, the elders mobilized and along with our family, around ten families were prepared for the reception to the Catholic Faith. All the families were received to the Catholic Church the following year, 1988. And thus I was admitted to Class I at St John’s. When I was young, my mom used to remind me that our family decided to embrace the Catholic Faith just because of me. I felt great but the sense of responsibility was also attached with that great feeling.

Besides going to Mass on Sundays, I was regular for Wednesday and Saturday evening Mass. My mother was serious about our new found faith. She was quick to pick up the prayers and songs. We had evening rosary service every day in English. The songs were also sang in English. She said the concluding prayers in Chang dialect. We really prayed much as a family and talked a whole lot about our faith. Everything went on smooth. We were all very happy but in 1990, when I was in class III, I got sick. I suffered from dysentery for months. Day by day, I became so lean and thin. I didn’t feel like eating anything. Actually I stopped eating. When I was reduced to skin and bones, everyone took it as my end days. I also knew that I was dying. Sr. Alexandra visited me regularly. She brought so many medicines. She used to pray so fast that I couldn’t understand anything but sometimes she use to shed tears during the prayers. So many people visited and prayed for me when I was sick. Some visionaries told my mom that I will get alright if only we return to the Baptist Church. My mom told me that she thought of going back during those testing times. Medicines and good food didn’t help me. My aunt (my mother’s elder brother’s wife) is an Ao lady. She was teaching in our village and she regularly came to our house for visiting her son who was staying with us. She use to bring so many things from the village. Among them was Anashi, a local delicacy made with yam leaves and dry chilly. It is shaped like an ordinary round biscuit. It is either used as a curry or eaten as a chilly sauce during meals. During our meal, I ate three of them. Everyone was surprised. My mother made plenty for me. My aunty also went back to the village and sent a lot for me. It took months to regain my health. I never grew fat and I never experience major sickness after that. My family members stood firm in their beliefs. They made lot of sacrifices during my illness. If it had not been for my family’s example of love for me, love for the Church and her teachings, there is little chance about my life. We could have gone astray from the Catholic Church.

In 1991, when I was in Class IV, our parish sisters prepared me for receiving the Holy Communion and I took that relatively serious. I had the understanding and was taught to believe that I will be receiving the Body of Christ. My elder brother told me that the Body and Blood of Christ simply disappears on his tongue and I too wanted to experience it. The elders and others were receiving the Holy Communion during the Mass but I always went back home empty with a longing heart. After receiving the Sacrament of Holy Communion, I was a regular altar server. I remember listening to Fathers’ homilies and being impressed by the stories. I liked the parables of Jesus and the stories of Old Testament.

When I was in Class VI, our Parish priest showed us a movie about Francis of Assisi, who left all his riches to serve the leapers and the marginalized section of the people. I was really impressed by how this young Francis gave up his life to serve the poor, and by his tremendous courage and faith. And how he completely changed people’s heart. This movie was one of the pivotal points in my life where I began to think for the first time about priesthood. Surely, there could be nothing greater than to completely transform thousands of lives like Francis of Assisi, not only on earth but also for all eternity. God had planted the seed of my vocation and from then on it was always there in my heart. Yet, even when the seed had been planted, I ignored it many times and felt that it is impossible to answer. As a Child, I thought that priestly life was meant only for the Indians. I changed my thought only when I saw Fr. Carlos Angami and Fr. Abraham Lotha.

When I was in Class VI and VII, I was good at the same time bad. Sometimes I was so helpful, sometimes I was too difficult to deal with. I was regularly irregular for Sunday Mass because I enjoyed the Sunday TV series too. The best series were shown during the Mass timing. And it was hard to decide. On Saturdays, I often went to the jungle for shooting birds with the excuse of collecting fire wood. On week days, after the class we spent our time in playing football. I was the captain of a football team. We collected Rs. 2 from the members and played with other selected weaker teams. We were always on the winning side because we always made sure for our opposition team, often a weaker team, to lead but the end belonged to us. I must confess that two of us had monopoly over the team fund and even misused it. During those years, I studied only during exams and I wonder how I always got promoted.

I had a good friend, even now we are best friends. Other classmates called us Laura and Hardy. I was so lean, thin, dark and little taller than him. He was little fat, fair and short. One day we were talking about girls. We talked about one hostel girl. She was his former classmate, same class but now different section. We decided to write a letter to her. Compared to him my handwriting was not good. I prepared the draft. He backed off and wrote it only in my name and the letter was given to her. We never got a reply. It was a shameful experience but I tried to escape saying that it was actually written by him on my behalf. In our family we were all brothers without a sister but had many cousins in our home. After this incident, I always treated girls with respect but ended up having low self-image. I think this has also naturally got me to start taking my vocation a little more seriously.

I joined St. Xavier’s Seminary, Jalukie in 1995 from class VIII. In the seminary, we had time for everything. I started doing well in my studies. I was getting first and second rank in the class. I enjoyed all the games. I started picking up musical instruments. I became sober. Communication and transportation was difficult. For months, I used to long my mother’s letter. I grew so tall in class IX. All my pants and shirts became so tight and short. They always sent the money through fathers whenever they went down to Dimapur. After classes and on holidays we worked hard in the paddy field. Life was tough but I enjoyed it because, we could learn so many things. The education that I received in my early years was a solid foundation without which I may not have been able to reach up to this stage.

After matriculation, I studied at Newman Bible College. I couldn’t sing well, I asked God to help me become a singer but God gave me some other talents. I liked Rock ‘n’ Roll music but couldn’t learn how to play them and ended up learning only Church music. I became proud and arrogant. I felt that I was the best and the others were hopeless. Inside the Church, I was good but always treated my friends very badly. My personal relationship with God was so good but never cared about my relationship with my superiors and friends. We had regular class in our College but wrote our exams under St. Joseph’s College, Jakhama. I got 5th Rank in Pre-University Exam. I could have done better but during exams, instead of revising my lessons, I spent my time loitering aimlessly around the college compound.

In 2000, we were sent to Assam for Spiritual Orientation Course. That one year course was so tough. We had to pray a lot. For months, we were not allowed to go out of the compound. I loved singing and other activities but I didn’t like kneeling down for hours, fasting the whole day and silently meditating without any movement. Many brothers discontinued and went back home. Finally, with much difficulty, I decided that I should also discontinue and go back home. I spoke to my rector about it but he didn’t allow me to go home. He didn’t like the way I went about and I wonder why he didn’t allow me to go home. I decided to run away. I packed all my things and got it ready. I just needed to reach the railway station. It was around ten miles away but I didn’t really know the way and had never seen that railway station. I couldn’t ask my rector to drop me to the railway station, because I was afraid. And so I went to a nearby MSFS house and asked the father to drop me till the railway station. He listened attentively to my problems and asked me to confess my sins. After the sacrament of confession he took me back to the seminary again. He told me to obey the rules of the house and never attempt to run away. He straight went to my rector’s room and didn’t come out. I went to my dormitory to take rest and when I reached my bed, I couldn’t find my bags. Only next morning I got back my things. I was told that it was kept in domestic staff’s room by my friends. The remaining days were tough but I gave my best and did all the spiritual activities seriously.

For my Bachelor and Philosophy degree, I stayed at Good Shepherd Seminary, Dimapur from 2001 to 2004. During those years, I developed a split personality. Life was sometimes good and sometimes bad. We had lot of fun but I was sad. I had many close friends but made foes too. I did well in studies but was spiritually weak. I gained so much knowledge but lacked wisdom and prudence. I loved Sunday ministries but neglected my private daily prayers. Externally I appeared to be happy but inside I was really struggling. At home we had financial problems. My father got retired. I felt that my elder brother got married too early without helping us. My younger brother got entangled in love and stopped studying. All my four younger brothers flunk in their final exam, one was a student at Jakhama College. I had nightmares almost every night. I was really struggling mentally and spiritually. I went through so many unpleasant experiences which is not good to be expressed here. My health went down badly. I needed a break. I requested for it and was given two years break. In BA III Year, I couldn’t do well in my university exams but by God’s grace I got 2nd Rank in the Nagaland University. I got so many opportunities to work in some private institutions but since I wanted to do MA in Philosophy, I finally decided to go to Delhi. With all the limited resources, I landed up in Delhi.

To be continued….

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